Friday, January 10, 2014

2014 Goals!

So it's been over a week since my last post here on this blog.
That's just how I am. I may go a period of time where I'm posting almost daily...and other times I may not make a post for weeks.
And that's okay! I give myself permission to take my time and go at my own sporadic pace with this blog!

....Today I'd like to go over some of my goals for this year. I have many things I'd like to work on and improve in my life and it all starts now!
I've made some HUGE strides in my life over the past 5 years. I very much so plan on continuing to take large strides throughout this year.
And even though I haven't posted in the last week...doesn't mean I've been sitting idly waiting. No! I've been actively taking part in working on several of my big goals for this year! I've made some great progress in this past week!

----My Weight And My Diabetes.
I don't have a goal to lose weight per se at this time. I don't want to focus on losing weight...I am obese and do need to lose weight...but that's not where I want my focus this year.
Instead I just want to focus on getting healthy. Eating better, working out, taking better control of my hygiene...just taking better care of myself in general.
In the past week I've started to walk on a daily basis. I've hit at least 5,000 steps each day.

--I have a goal to walk everyday, eventually hitting 10,000+ steps each and every day.

--I also have a goal to work on what I eat. I'm not planning on going on a full diet or counting every calorie at this point. I'd like to work towards that, but I don't want to jump into a diet or calorie counting just yet. I'm afraid that I wont stick with it if I jump head first into a diet and counting my calories.
Instead for now I just want to work on my portion sizes, I want to eat more fruit, eat less sugar, and make healthier choices.
Portion sizes is the biggest thing I can work on right now at this point. I'm often found eating far more then I should. I often continue to eat even though I'm no longer hungry! It's a real problem I have.
A small (though not tremendously healthy) step I've taken in the last week, is buying a bunch of microwave dinners. They're single serving meals and I've been eating them along with whole grain bread 3 times a day. I will need to change this eventually as it is not a healthy diet. There's a lot of carbs in these meals (lots of noodles) and TONS of sodium (salt).
But it's a whole heck of a lot healthier then what I'm use to. So even though I know full well I'm going to have to find healthier options soon, it IS a step in the right direction for me!

--One more goal I have in this category is working out. I'd like to get in some exercising on top of my walking. I don't power walk or's very casual walking right now.
I'd like something more rigorous then this. Something that'll make me sweat!
I have a nintendo wii, and Santa just brought me a nice t.v. for Christmas. I've really been eyeing Wii Fit U for the last month. I've watched lots of videos on youtube and it's really excited me! It just released today (jan. 10th) but with the wii balance board and the pedometer, it's been out of my price range I can afford this month ($90). Well it went on sale at amazon yesterday for $65...a $25 I jumped on it and made the purchase!
I can't wait for it to be delivered (should be here Tuesday the 14th)! It looks really fun and I'm hoping that it'll be fun enough to keep me motivated to keep at it!
Can't wait to update this blog with my progress!

With all the walking, exercising and eating better...I expect to get my diabetes better under control. I've only been walking for a little over a week now...and already my numbers have improved TREMENDOUSLY! I've been consistently in the 150-180'ish blood sugar range over the last 4 or 5 days since starting to walk...and it feels so great! Those still aren't ideal numbers...but I'm telling you, they sure as heck beat the 300+ numbers I've been getting!

----My Mental Health
This is a big one. If I don't get this better under control, then I'm wasting my time with everything else. It's just the truth.
I've spent so many years in therapy. So many years and still I haven't had a proper diagnosis. I was beginning to wonder if I was beyond the scope of help. 10 years with my current therapist and neither of us could seem to pin point what my problem was. I felt broken, alone, and like I was a mistake. Something was wrong with me...I am so different from everyone else...and yet I had no name or words for it, and professionals were clueless on it. I didn't know what was going on, and I so desperately wanted a name for know I wasn't know that there was an explanation out there waiting for me!
Well over the previous 2 months I've found my answers! I've found those explinations! I've found that proper diagnosis!
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder - Primarily Inattentive (ADHD-PI). I randomly bumped into this while searching out answers for why I struggled so badly in college this last semester. It described me so well! I then found and have been thoroughly convinced that I have ADHD ever since. I just relate with so many people on the forums (and so many relate with me!).
So I wanted to seek out a proper diagnosis.
I talked to my therapist, but she has no experience with ADHD and admitted to not knowing anything about it. So she had me go see a psychiatrist to see what she thought.
I saw my psychiatrist yesterday, and she diagnosed me with ADHD-PI, with the possibility that I could also be bipolar. She also gave me a prescription for Adderall. 10mg (of instant release) 3 times a day. I'll meet with her again in 2 weeks to see how things are going.
I'm very excited about all of this. I finally have what I feel is a proper diagnosis. Something I've been seeking for over half my life. I'm frustrated that no one's ever picked up on this before. That ADHD has never been a consideration. But I know now, and I'm SO looking forward to my future now! I feel like now that I finally know what's going on with me...that so many doors have suddenly opened up for me, and I greatly look forward to figuring out how to work with my ADHD in a way to make it work for me. Not against me.
I'm also excited about finding meds that will work for me. I truly believe finding proper meds will play a key and crucial role in my life. Meds have been a missing link.

2 goals for this.
--1. Take my meds properly. Take them as prescribed and really give them a chance to work for me. I have a long history of being placed on anti-depressants and anti-psychotics...finding I don't like the way they make me feel or the side quitting them before I've given my body a chance to adjust to them and throwing them away.
Not this time. I need to really give my meds a chance before I give up on them.
Also...not playing any stupid games with my meds. Taking them at the times I'm suppose to take them. Not abusing them by taking 2 or 3 doses at a time.

--2. Finding more out about ADHD and figuring out ways to work with it. I don't know a whole heck of a lot about ADHD yet. There's so much I want to know! To learn!
I want to read books and continue to read people's stories and experiences and to relate with them. To read online articles and to watch documentaries.
I fully intend to learn a whole heck of a lot about ADHD. I feel that the more knowledge I have about it, the more I'll be able to find ways to work with it...and to take advantage of it!
ADHD doesn't have to be a disability for me. I fully suspect that it can be used to help improve my life with proper knowledge and strategies.

----My Apartment
Here's another important one for me.
I live in such a pigsty. Looking around my room right now there's large piles of trash. It's something that causes great shame and embarressment. Living the way I do just holds me down! It does nothing to improve my self esteem.
I want to come home each day to a clean environment. I want a place I'd be proud to invite my friends to. I want a place I can love to call my own. A place that doesn't cause shame and resnetment.
And this is something so absolutely obtainable for me! I know it is!
And now that I know why I've struggled my entire life with keeping a clean environment, I really feel like I can start tackling this aspect of my life and really getting it under control!
I think meds are going to be very important for me with this.
And I have made a BIG start already!
Over the past few days I've really made a big push to clean up my kitchen and my living room.
I bought TONS of cleaning supplies and I just dug in!
I took out all my trash in my kitchen and living room (4 very large trash bags worth. My counters were all covered in at least 2 feet of trash. I hate saying this in a public place like on this blog. I feel SO much shame!), and really scrubbed the heck out of my counters. I also emptied my fridge of any old foods (ketchup, jelly...etc).
I still have a lot to do in the 2 rooms (vacuum, mop my kitchen floor, I'd like to scrub all my counters and walls, and I need to clean the outside of my fridge). But it's looking GREAT! So well in fact that I've had my curtains in my living room fully open for the last few days! I'm happy for people to peek inside if they so wish to! (I ALWAYS keep my curtains closed because I'm so afraid a neighbor will see how messy I am!).


--Continue, slowly, picking my apartment up. I'm not in a race...slow and steady. Work on 1 part of my apartment at a time. My goal is to eventually get my entire apartment cleaned (not just picked up...but truly clean!) and then to develop routines and daily habits. To keep my trash picked up, and my dishes cleaned and my laundry done. To develop weekly and daily routines to vacuum, and to clean my bathroom, and to sweep my floors.

I think keeping a clean apartment will really boost my self esteem this year!

----Work & School
My lack of employment and not doing anything productive with myself is another source of great shame for me. Something I so often beat myself up about. Something I loathe about myself.

--It is my goal to find employment this year. It doesn't have to be that 'dream' job. It doesn't have to be full time. I just want to work again dang it! So badly!

I've wanted to volunteer for years now. I keep thinking about it, but pushing it aside as something I'll look into later.
This is a big goal for me this year. I want to volunteer. I've been wanting more dogs in my life, and I just LOVE kitties...maybe I can help at a animal shelter.
There's also a halfway house in a near by town that is expanding. I have a deep love for humans, especially those who I know have had to struggle in life. I'm a very empathetic person. I think working in a halfway house would be very challenging for me (I'd feel so bad so often for so many!) and yet, ultimately, a tremendously enriching experience. I think I'd learn and grow a lot volunteering at this halfway house.
And for the selfish side of things. Volunteering is a great way of getting my name out there and meeting important contacts. Volunteering could eventually lead into a job for me.
At the very least, volunteering would be an extremely powerful thing to include on future resumes.

--And college. I dropped out last semester. I became overwhelmed and just lost control.
This is NOT my end in college. I LOVED college! It was an amazing experience!
I just need a break to catch up on myself and my health.
I WILL be back! I wont let this be the end of my college.
I have 21 credits to my name. I can always (after paying my financial aid back) return to the college I was attending and jump right back into where I left off (I'm pursuing an associates degree in criminal justice).

And so there's a bunch of the goals I have for this year!
There's more I haven't touched on here in this post, but I can always make more posts in my future to more fully explore them.
For now I feel the above goals are a great foundation. A starting point!


I'm very excited for this year!

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Goals And Hopes For 2014...Fears I Have Moving Forward...

I have big hopes for 2014. Lots of goals.
And it starts today. Now.
This is going to be a year of transformation for me.

...But...I have some fears.
A fear I have starting out, is that I'm going too hard too fast. That I want too much too soon.
I'm GREAT at jumping into the deep end head first. I'm also great at being an excellent swimmer in that deep least for a little while.
But then after just a few minutes my muscles start going out on me, and before I know it I'm stuck in the middle of that pool, no ground to stand on and nothing to grab onto to keep me afloat. My legs and my arms have all given out on me and all I can do is sink.
I've found over the years that I'm a great sprint runner. I can run with great speed for short distances. But I'm just no good at long distance endurance races. I just can't last!
...And I am of course talking metaphorically! the real world I'm totally allergic to running! Sprinting and endurance! :P

I could list some examples of what I'm talking about...but I'd be here ALL day!

I will say that I've never know why I'm the way I am with this. Why I can't seem to go the distance. Why I pick up projects and hobbies and get super excited and put myself into them 120%...then one day I either find myself overwhelmed with it, or just completely disinterested in it for seemingly no reason.
Well I think I'm starting to find answers on why I'm like this. And that answer is ADHD. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.
I don't want to dig into ADHD and me in this post...I will dig into ADHD later here, but I do fully believe I'm ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) and I do believe that's why I struggle so deeply with keeping interested in hobbies, and finishing projects and goals in my life.
I don't mean this as an excuse...but rather as a way to understand why I struggle in the ways that I struggle.
And knowing what's going on will, I believe, prove to be extremely powerful in helping me figure out ways that I CAN hold onto and finish goals, projects, responsibilities and hobbies.
For one thing I'll hopefully find some form of medication that can help me stay focused. For another thing I can start to seek out proper therapy and training to assist me on how to live with and manage my ADHD and use it to my advantage.

I do believe medications and proper treatment for my ADHD will play a paramount role in my success this year.
I have an appointment with a psychologist on January 9th for an eval. Me and my therapist are hoping this psychologist can help me with gaining a diagnosis, as well as help me figure out medications that can help.
I've heard over and over on a forum I'm a part of at how finding proper medications was a starting point for people. How their lives were controlled by chaos and constant struggles before the found medications that worked for them.
It makes me quite hopeful in my near future. I've never enjoyed taking medications...for anything. But for the first time in my life I'm actually excited to give meds a try.
I really hope that with meds and support (both online and off) that I'll be able to stick with my big plans for this year!

I just wanted to post this up real quick. It's some concerns I have moving into 2014. Thought it might be a good idea to get them out there.

My next post I'll go over some goals I have for 2014 :).

And...seeing as it's the new plans start NOW!

Right now I'm going to get up, and go for a walk! I'm aiming for 3000 steps (I have a really neat pedometer called the Striiv Smart Pedometer that I absolutely love...I plan on making a post covering it someday here!).



Horrible lighting! Sorry about that! I was having a heck of a time trying to get a good image of my Striiv lol.
Anyhow, took a 7,500+ step walk today and it felt great! :)


Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Okay so let's start...anew!

First of all I'd like to start by saying...NO PROMISES!
That's right. My first post on this blog I've made in years (deleted all my old content. Starting fresh!!) and I'm starting it by making no promises!

I have a hard time following through with things. It's a chronic problem of mine...something I've gained a lot of insight into recently, and something I hope to improve here shortly.
But I don't want to promise that I'm going to post a lot on this blog and keep it updated regularly. I don't want that pressure of feeling like I 'have' to...and I simply just don't know if I'll follow through with keeping a blog this year.

So there you go! No promise that I'll keep this blog up to date!

...Okay, with that out of the way, I'm ready to begin!

I want to make 2014 a big year in my life. A turning point...a starting point. A year of growth and a year of taking big steps to improve my life.
I'm talking about my heath, I'm talking about the way I keep my enviroment, I'm talking my relationships, and I'm talking about my mental health.
I Really do plan on making 2014 a year of transformation.

I'm asking a lot of myself, and again I'm not making any promises with any of it at this point...but I know it's not more then I can handle, and I also know that a lot of it is necessary for my continued pursuit of happiness. Of a better tomorrow.

A few notes:

1.) I'm a 300 pound type 1 diabetic.
I'm the heaviest I've been in my life and my diabetes is out of control. I make no excuses. My eating habits are horrible, and I do not exercise.
-------I plan on exercising, starting slowly at first with some walking and working from there.
-------I plan on working on a diet. Cutting my calories and continuing to cut sugars and high carb foods out of my daily diet.

2.) I'm still a mental mess! :P
I've struggled with my mental health for most my life. Been in and out of mental health facilities since I was 10. Have been seeing my current therapist for somewhere around 10 years now!
I've had many ups and downs over the years.
But I've been relatively stable for the last 4 years. I've grown a tremendous amount in many areas of my life and I'm so much stronger today then I ever have been in my life!
I've also been walking around blind. I never knew what was wrong with me. Why I am the way I am. I just knew that I struggled and never felt like I belonged. I always thought that perhaps I was simply a mistake. I wasn't meant to be!
I've had many diagnoses over the years, but none of them ever felt quite right to me. None of them explained everything wrong with me. 
Well I recently found one that fits. Fits me like a glove.
Now I know I can't diagnose myself...but at this point I just have no doubt in my mind. I AM ADHD. I've never in my life felt more confident in a diagnosis. It matches me so perfectly.
I am working with my therapist, and I have an appointment set up on January 9th with a psychiatrist who can hopefully give me a proper diagnoses.
-------I plan on finding proper medications that can help.
-------I plan on learning more about ADHD, and ways I can work with it to improve my life.

3.) My apartment is a real wreck. 
I have piles of trash and clutter everywhere.
It's a source of embarrassment, self-loathing, and stress.
I've had trouble with keeping my environment clean my whole life. Even as a kid I always had a horribly messy room.
-------I plan on very slowly cleaning my apartment. I don't want to do too much all at once and overwhelm myself. Just work on a small bit at a time and before I know it my apartment will be cleaned up once again.
-------I plan on slowly forming a cleaning routine, and making that routine a habit.

4.) I'm still unemployed.
I was placed on disability about 8 years ago and have been living off the government since. It's something I feel greatly ashamed of.
And I feel I'm ready for employment at this stage in my life. I just need to find the right job (something proving to be quite difficult!).
-------I plan on continuing to work with Voc Rehab to find meaningful employment.
-------I plan on finding a place to volunteer at if I can no find employment. This will help fill in the gap I have between previous employment, and now on my resumes, will help me ease into the working environment again, and might even lead into a job at some point!

5.) I dropped out of college this semester.
I just made some very poor decisions, got behind and became overwhelmed.
I LOVED college when I had the focus for it. 
I did mess several things up for myself though...especially with the college I was going to with financial aid. I do need to pay back some of the pell grant I received this semester, and until that's fully paid back, I can't get any form of aid from the school again in my future.
Voc rehab also helped a TON. I've been too afraid to inform them that I've dropped out.
-------I fully plan on not letting this be the end of school for me. I love college...It can be so much fun! I just need to focus on myself and my health (both physical and mental) for right now and get a few things squared away before I make my return.
-------I plan on working hard to pay off the money I owe. I also plan on fessing up to voc rehab and seeing what I need to do with them at this point.

So there you go. Laying it out there.

I've gone so far in the last 5 years of my life.
I've gone through cancer twice. Fought my way through 4 very intense, very rough months of chemotherapy. I've quit smoking and have kept my quit (January 11th will be my 3 year 6 month anniversary!). I've put myself into college (something that felt like such an impossibility just a few years ago!) and proved to myself that I CAN do well academically if I apply myself (first semester I ended with a 3.7 GPA). And I've made leaps and strides with improving my self-esteem and over all outlook on my life and future. I'm just a much happier and more hopeful person today then I was 5 years ago.

But I've still got a whole heck of a long ways to go. And I don't say that with any hint of sadness. I say that with excitement.
I look forward to my future and continuing to improve myself! This self-improvement path I find myself on isn't a dark gloomy path. It's a fun path! It's an adventure with all sorts of beautiful sights to see at almost every step along the way!
I love being on the path I'm on right now in life!