Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Okay so let's start...anew!

First of all I'd like to start by saying...NO PROMISES!
That's right. My first post on this blog I've made in years (deleted all my old content. Starting fresh!!) and I'm starting it by making no promises!

I have a hard time following through with things. It's a chronic problem of mine...something I've gained a lot of insight into recently, and something I hope to improve here shortly.
But I don't want to promise that I'm going to post a lot on this blog and keep it updated regularly. I don't want that pressure of feeling like I 'have' to...and I simply just don't know if I'll follow through with keeping a blog this year.

So there you go! No promise that I'll keep this blog up to date!

...Okay, with that out of the way, I'm ready to begin!

I want to make 2014 a big year in my life. A turning point...a starting point. A year of growth and a year of taking big steps to improve my life.
I'm talking about my heath, I'm talking about the way I keep my enviroment, I'm talking my relationships, and I'm talking about my mental health.
I Really do plan on making 2014 a year of transformation.

I'm asking a lot of myself, and again I'm not making any promises with any of it at this point...but I know it's not more then I can handle, and I also know that a lot of it is necessary for my continued pursuit of happiness. Of a better tomorrow.

A few notes:

1.) I'm a 300 pound type 1 diabetic.
I'm the heaviest I've been in my life and my diabetes is out of control. I make no excuses. My eating habits are horrible, and I do not exercise.
-------I plan on exercising, starting slowly at first with some walking and working from there.
-------I plan on working on a diet. Cutting my calories and continuing to cut sugars and high carb foods out of my daily diet.

2.) I'm still a mental mess! :P
I've struggled with my mental health for most my life. Been in and out of mental health facilities since I was 10. Have been seeing my current therapist for somewhere around 10 years now!
I've had many ups and downs over the years.
But I've been relatively stable for the last 4 years. I've grown a tremendous amount in many areas of my life and I'm so much stronger today then I ever have been in my life!
I've also been walking around blind. I never knew what was wrong with me. Why I am the way I am. I just knew that I struggled and never felt like I belonged. I always thought that perhaps I was simply a mistake. I wasn't meant to be!
I've had many diagnoses over the years, but none of them ever felt quite right to me. None of them explained everything wrong with me. 
Well I recently found one that fits. Fits me like a glove.
Now I know I can't diagnose myself...but at this point I just have no doubt in my mind. I AM ADHD. I've never in my life felt more confident in a diagnosis. It matches me so perfectly.
I am working with my therapist, and I have an appointment set up on January 9th with a psychiatrist who can hopefully give me a proper diagnoses.
-------I plan on finding proper medications that can help.
-------I plan on learning more about ADHD, and ways I can work with it to improve my life.

3.) My apartment is a real wreck. 
I have piles of trash and clutter everywhere.
It's a source of embarrassment, self-loathing, and stress.
I've had trouble with keeping my environment clean my whole life. Even as a kid I always had a horribly messy room.
-------I plan on very slowly cleaning my apartment. I don't want to do too much all at once and overwhelm myself. Just work on a small bit at a time and before I know it my apartment will be cleaned up once again.
-------I plan on slowly forming a cleaning routine, and making that routine a habit.

4.) I'm still unemployed.
I was placed on disability about 8 years ago and have been living off the government since. It's something I feel greatly ashamed of.
And I feel I'm ready for employment at this stage in my life. I just need to find the right job (something proving to be quite difficult!).
-------I plan on continuing to work with Voc Rehab to find meaningful employment.
-------I plan on finding a place to volunteer at if I can no find employment. This will help fill in the gap I have between previous employment, and now on my resumes, will help me ease into the working environment again, and heck...it might even lead into a job at some point!

5.) I dropped out of college this semester.
I just made some very poor decisions, got behind and became overwhelmed.
I LOVED college when I had the focus for it. 
I did mess several things up for myself though...especially with the college I was going to with financial aid. I do need to pay back some of the pell grant I received this semester, and until that's fully paid back, I can't get any form of aid from the school again in my future.
Voc rehab also helped a TON. I've been too afraid to inform them that I've dropped out.
-------I fully plan on not letting this be the end of school for me. I love college...It can be so much fun! I just need to focus on myself and my health (both physical and mental) for right now and get a few things squared away before I make my return.
-------I plan on working hard to pay off the money I owe. I also plan on fessing up to voc rehab and seeing what I need to do with them at this point.

So there you go. Laying it out there.

I've gone so far in the last 5 years of my life.
I've gone through cancer twice. Fought my way through 4 very intense, very rough months of chemotherapy. I've quit smoking and have kept my quit (January 11th will be my 3 year 6 month anniversary!). I've put myself into college (something that felt like such an impossibility just a few years ago!) and proved to myself that I CAN do well academically if I apply myself (first semester I ended with a 3.7 GPA). And I've made leaps and strides with improving my self-esteem and over all outlook on my life and future. I'm just a much happier and more hopeful person today then I was 5 years ago.

But I've still got a whole heck of a long ways to go. And I don't say that with any hint of sadness. I say that with excitement.
I look forward to my future and continuing to improve myself! This self-improvement path I find myself on isn't a dark gloomy path. It's a fun path! It's an adventure with all sorts of beautiful sights to see at almost every step along the way!
I love being on the path I'm on right now in life!

I'll leave my first post on this note.
My next post I hope to go over some of the goals and my hopes for 2014 in more detail. I have lots!



  1. Twitch, you're very brave to share your life with the world. It will help so many people with similar struggles, to hear your progress in upcoming blog titles. And you are going to have an awesome, productive, life-changing year in 2014- I just know it! :)